Al Quaeda Training Day

Or so you would have thought.

We are dominated by Rules. Whether it's confusing parking restrictions, overzealous Governmental bureaucrats sticking to the letter of the Law or scumbags on Court asserting their Yuman Rites over and above the person they have just violated, Rules are everywhere, used and abused.

This post is prompted by someone unknown to me having a rant about the way that holiday companies yank up prices during holiday times.. Now, to me, that is on Page 1 of 'Economics for Dummies', namely Price = Demand divided by Supply. Increase demand and the price goes up. As a parent of school age kids, it grates, but as a Business owner, I have to see their point. Make hay whilst the rain falls less heavily.

You see that the problem lies, not with the Holiday Companies looking to turn a profit on 4% Gross margins, whilst the Airlines constantly turn the screw tighter, it lies with the Government, specifically Ofsted and the schools.

Ofsted sets the standards and the schools, wanting to shine, comply with them. One of these standards is attendance records of the pupils. If it drops, the school gets downgraded. As a result, the schools live in fear of the absent pupil and exert punishment on those that attempt to breach them.

Schools are so scared of Ofsted Stats that to get a day off school, you need a Death Certificate of a parent signed by three doctors,1 Magistrate and your MP unless you want your child's record folder to be stamped "Troublemaker" in red ink.
We asked for one day off to go to a 1st Cousin's wedding this term. You would have thought by their reaction that we'd asked to go on an Al Quaeda training day. We received back an A4 letter form the Head explaining that Voldermort himself would avenge any unauthorised time off.

This was my nephew's wedding. A one-off occasion, to which my children (his first cousins) were invited. Unfortunately, we're not all on Head Teachers' salaries and to meet the cost, it was held on a Thursday, which apparently reduced the price by 50% (Supply & demand again). If we'd have taken the kids, each would have had a black mark against the record (unauthorised absence) and we as parents would have been fined. As this was his first year in Secondary School we chose to not rock the boat. Apparently the fact that he scooped the Trophy for the best performing pupil in his year group that year held no sway. He would suffer with bad exam results and end up in some menial job for the Government. Ofsted Policy maker, for instance.

What a shame, no compassion, no flexibility and the kids miss out on a tremendously happy occasion through no fault of their own. Education is not just about learning from Teachers. It's the Birds, the bees, Social Skills and just enjoying being a child before it's too late.

One day, some liberated Head teacher will wake up and say 'Stuff Ofsted', we'll spit out well rounded pupils that may or may not cause the school to quite reach all these absurd targets".

It's the same with the Ambulance Service. The Government (some non-frontline Jobsworth) has decided that the targets for responding to the most serious of 999 calls are based on time of arrival, not patient outcome. Get there in 8 minutes and 1 second and the patient survives. Fail. 7:59, but the patient has popped his clogs. Wey hey, a pass! Anyone else see the absurdity in that?

It is so easy, from a distance to say 'No' and stuff up a project, an event, a Life decision. Let's toast those that take Richard Branson's approach - "Screw it, let's do it". Cheers.

Why does Yellow Pages still call me?

Once upon an Era, Yellow Pages was king. That doorstopper of a Directory dropped on my parents' doorstep once every few months, Trade vans prowled the streets with Find us in Yellow Pages'  on a bright yellow sticker on the back, semi obfuscated by 'Watford for the cup' and 'clean me' written into the grime.

Then a cat appeared on the scene. Thomson was his name, the cheeky upstart. The Virgin Atlantic to Yellow Pages' British Airways. Always thinner, but somehow trendier and more useful.

Then Tim Berners-Lee gatecrashed the game. His Internetweb thingy seems to have caught on. 'Google' is now a recognised verb and no-one uses Yellow pages any more.

Do they? Yellow Pages and Thomson are still around, but the tomes are thinner and - be honest - when did you last pick one up?

I cannot see why they still have a team of Sales Consultants to sell advertising space. OK, so they both have websites to complement the  Directory, but why not drop the Directories and Sales Staff? You have to move with the times and as many a bookshop has found out, mainstream printed media is declining as fast as Google's Tax bill.

Drop the hard copy and concentrate on online advertising - even then, competing against the Google juggernaut is uphill. You've missed that window. If Yellow Pages or Thomson had realised the power of the Internet, they could have made a great impact before Google came along and spoilt the party. Too late now.

What should we do? Get someone in your Business to advertise on every site going - but only for the free ads. Some sites have their SEO sorted and appear in Google, others don't, but with so many out there (the 'long tail') there is no point finessing it with paid listings. Google has, what is it, 80% of the Search market? Pay someone to get you results in Google, get a Business Tour to stand out and, if appropriate, use Adwords (but use an expert to prevent too much money being wasted).

Everything else paid for is just a waste of time. Don't believe me? What happened to QXL, the British equivalent of eBay? The number 2 auction site. Type it in. www.qxl.co.uk. It's now Danish. Would you try and sell anything on QXL? Would you try and advertise anywhere but Google? If you're thinking 'yes', then turn it around. When did you deliberately go to a non-google search engine to look for something? For 'you', read 'your customers'.

Yellow Pages Call Centre Staff. Move on. No-one pays for advertising in your catalogue any more. Why should they?

Ten things to think about on Facebook

Ten eleven things to think about on Facebook

1. Hoaxers get a kick on seeing how far things go. Think before you share.
2. Do you really think Walmart, ASDA, Apple etc. are going to give away $50, £25 vouchers just for 'liking' a page? Nah. It usually leads to a survey site, skimming your personal info. Don't go there.
3. Asked by your friends to perform obscure settings changes because of perceived 'privacy' issues? See '1'
4. Not every one wants to play Cityville, Farmville, e-ville and the like. Honestly. Some people play Realville. Don't keep sending them invites if the first was ignored.
5. Warnings circulating about malicious programs. Hoaxes. Google the word facebook and the first line before sending on. Or check Snopes. How many genuine ones have you heard about on the news?
6. Check Snopes and/or Google, anyway for Facebook or email warnings. Usually hoaxes and, let's face it, if it was that bad, we would have heard it on the news first. We're too far down the food chain to be the first to know.
7. Be mean with any personal info you share.
8. Ever wondered why the ads on the right seem to be amazingly relevant to you? Reread point '7'
9. Did I mention that you should check a 'share' before sharing? Takes 10 seconds on Google or snopes.
10. Should you share this? Yes? No? Only to people that keep sharing stuff without checking its veracity first? I dunno, it's up to you.
11. (never could count). If you think this is aimed at you, that is a possibility, but it's not personal, more an attempt to reduce the tat to interesting stuff ratio. Happy 2013.

Business Principle II: It's good to talk

Years ago, when I was in my first job, I supervised a sandwich student during his placement year. After he graduated he joined us full time. 'Sharpy' was quite a character. On the short side but made up for it with by throwing himself into everything - from work to the Maltesers reject carton when we toured the Mars factory in Slough.

He would also talk to anyone and everyone and I'm sure his Facebook page lists more friends than most. His LinkedIn profile is certainly comprehensive.

To cut a long story short, he moved to the States and he is now a VP at ARM, a high tech design and manufacturer of Computer chips. This no doubt is due to his hard work but also talking and Networking like mad.

They say that most good jobs are not advertised and it's who you know, not what you know. By having a large 'little black book' of friends and associates, by being the first to buy a round or by bringing a wallflower into the conversation you will make friends and they will remember.

Be nice to everyone and make lots of friends at all levels from the cleaners to the Managers. Payback will come from unexpected directions.

When I had made a bit of money I decided to treat myself to a decent car. I don't usually scrub up and the salesman at the BMW Showroom obviously decided I was a tyre kicker and I was in and out in 5 minutes. If he'd spent that 5 minutes getting to know me more rather than prejudging, I might have walked out with a Beamer rather than the Lotus Esprit that I eventually bought.

Going back to my first job, there was another Graduate who confidently informed us one day that one should always ignore waiters the first time they approach your table. We stared at him incredulously. Firstly because it's terribly rude to anyone whatever their position in the world, secondly because by befriending him, you never know where it will lead (especially on return visits) and finally, everyone knows that one never criticises the service or food before it's all been served.

No idea what has happened to him. Somehow I doubt if he's a VP anywhere - unless Daddy's sorted it for him. OK, so personally I'm not VP anywhere, but I do run my own show and  talking to all and sundry has brought me many benefits over the years.

Next time: Make sure there's a drink in it for everyone.

Business Principle I - The Godfather meets the Water Babies

Mario Puzo's book and Cinematic hit - The Godfather - dealt with a fictional member of the Mafia - Don Corleone - head of the Corleone Crime family.

Not a good start for a Business Principle, but bear with me.

Don ran a number of 'businesses' to bring in the Lire, namely protection, extortion, gambling and union racketeering. All of which are extreme versions of legal enterprises and made to work by the threat of, or actual use of violence, but I am concentrating on a side to him that you see at the beginning of the book and one of the guiding principles of his operation.

The book opens with a party at the Corleone Household. The Don is in his study, receiving visitors one at a time, all with one thing in common, they need something from him. It may be a loan or a favour or some help retrieving something of theirs (say, an outstandig debt from a third party). One at a time, the Don receives them, listens to their request and either accepts or declines.

If he accepts, the request is noted and he arranges for it to be carried out. In time, of course, he expects this debt (monetary or otherwise) to be repaid with interest. This could be in a month, a year or a decade. When the Don himself needs something doing, he will check his book and find the most appropriate debtor. There will be Senators, Businessmen and women and people in high office with influence, all of whom are in his debt and all of whom know that a refusal will offend.

Now let's move this to a somewhat more legitimate business (as well as personal life). Whilst we do do things in expectation of an immediate-ish return (all businesses, profit making or otherwise do. Even Charities expect returns, albeit of the non-monetary type), sometimes we do someone a favour, not expecting a return. Holding a door open, baking a cake for a poorly neighbour, giving up your seat and so on. We don't expect reward, it's just something that we do. Occasionally, however, this act leads on to a reciprocation some time down the line. Do enough and the chances are high that something good will happen to you at a random point later (in the forelife, not the promised, but not provable afterlife, that is)

People remember things and if you help someone in a fix out or go the extra mile without expectation you will be pleasantly surprised one day.

About a year ago, I was working and a company that I was working alongside (but not for) were in a fix. They had a final deadline that day and looked like blowing it, so incurring cost overruns, loss of face with their customer etc. I knew what needed to be done and for the price of a bit of food to keep me going, sorted them out with a couple of hours work. I gave them my number in case there were problems the next day but they never rang.

Until last week, when I got a call out of the blue.

They were in a fix again, had remembered me and still had my number. I was booked, this time on a commercial basis and sorted them out. It should also lead to more work - they were over the moon with what I did and are already talking about passing regular leads on to me.

In my previous blogette, I mentioned Ryanair and its approach to Customer Service. Can you imagine anyone ever rocking up to Ryanair's check-in and saying "A friend of mine told me that you helped her out when she had a problem and she's eternally grateful. She suggested I try you". Me neither.



It doesn't always work, of course.Even Don Corleone knew that some of his 'favours' would never be repaid - the antagonist might die, move on or just not achieve anything worthy of repayment. That was the chance he took. Those that did repay, paid him aplenty. A good friend of mine has recently been 'stuffed' by someone she considered (past tense) a friend. She mentored him for months, getting him started with a business idea (coming up with the idea in the first place) creating material, pushing him and generally trying to get him running his own business. He has done, but in the process has cut her off like a displeased Downton Matriarch. No 'thanks', no appreciation for the work put in, no invite to the launch and certainly no financial contribution towards the hundreds of hours spent. She wasn't expecting much, if anything, in return but common courtesy would indicate an acknowledgement at the very least (Don's recipients were very grateful, of that you can be sure). Perhaps, down the line he could have fed her some new clients for her Training Company as a 'Thank You' and perhaps she could have fed him some clients the other way.

It's not going to happen. That's life and she'll move on. She won't stop doing people favours without any expectations of a reciprocation. Well, maybe just one person might be exempt. We have to live with that. You can be sure that he will not be as successful with that approach than he could have been if he had acknowledged the debt he owes her (and, in all likeliness, others).


The Water Babies? Well, two of the fairies in the book by Charles Kingsley were Miss Doasyouwouldbedoneby and Miss Bedonebyasyoudid.
Be nice and do people favours, sometimes even helping out competitors at times. Trust me, you will be better off than if you didn't.

Next time. "It's Good to Talk"

Business Principles - some ideas

Everyone has an opinion on how to run a business, from Michael O'Learey's "Hook 'em with a low lead-in price, then charge breathtaking amounts for absolutely everything over and above the bare seat whilst not spending one unnecessary Euro" to James Dyson's and Steve Job's "Get the design right and the rest will follow" to John Timpson's "Upside Down Management - If you treat people well, it is blindingly obvious that they will do a good job" style where his hands-off approach devolves power and financial responsibility to local shop Managers.

In the same way, as customers of businesses, whether it's the local paper shop, a car showroom or even your local pub, we also all have our own opinions and we all know good and bad service when we encounter it. Phrases such as "Well, I'm never going back there, again" and "He was chatting to his colleague all the time whilst serving me" abound, as do "You've got to try this new place, the service was amazing" and "The Manager apologised for it being out of stock and brought a replacement round personally, the next day".

 I'm no exception and following (in due course) are a few of the principles that I abide to.

OK, I don't have the size of businesses and the Bank Balances that the aforementioned do, but I do run my own business successfully and have gained business using these methods, whilst being able to look myself in the mirror each morning.

If anyone else wants to comment on any of my principles or add any of their own, then I'd love to hear from you.

Footnotes

• I will never travel on Ryanair simply because of its attitude to its customers
• I am now on my second Dyson after believing for years that Vax was the way to go
• 'Apple creep' is happening in the household and, although I baulk at the prices charged, I love the IPad and I can see a Mac book making an appearance when I have got the pennies together.
• I have not had the need to visit my local Timpson's since I read John Timpson's Management book, but have a watch for repair just waiting for me to remember to take it in and get it assessed. If the service matches the principles of the book, I will be a very happy bunny.

So, onwards and downwards. Principle I - The Godfather Principle.

Eurodisney sucks - why extract so much money?

A rant. Apologies in advance

We went to Eurodisney this year. We took the Eurostar from Ashford directly into the Eurodisney resort, where we stayed at the Disneyland Hotel.

All of it was booked online in advance. I have come to accept the surcharge for Credit Card bookings for everything nowadays, although it does seem picky after I spend so much with them and I often use a Debit Card, which carries no surcharge when I think that the charges are unreasonable or I just feel like saving the money and there's enough in the bank.

Eurostar was just fine.No Debit Card charges and the booking went swimmingly.

Eurodisney wasn't so successful. Because of the value of the booking, my Credit Card provider, Capital One wouldn't accept payment, despite being well within my Limit and as it was the weekend, couldn't obtain authorisation, so Debit Card was called for.

As an aside, I have no issue with Capital One and would recommend them as I have been a happy user for years, now. They are tighter on security checks and I do get calls to validate occasional recent purchases to make sure everything is in order. I would rather it was that way round than have to wrangle over unauthorised transactions due to a cloned card. Oh, and they pay 1% cashback in January each year, just in tine for the Christmas spending. No connection etc....


Anyway....Eurodisney charges for Debit Card transactions. Why? It gets the money immediately, so no risk to them, interest can be earned by Eurodisney between then and the holiday and it's very much the exception than the rule. Does it really cost Eurodisney £14 to collect money electronically off me?

Yes, I know that £14 is small beer in comparison to the cost of the holiday, but it's still £14 of my kids' post-tax inheritance that's gone.

I have exchanged several emails with 'customer services' asking why they can justify this charge and have been stonewalled by them. 'It's the way it's done, here in France', 'It's in the Terms and Conditions', 'no, we have no intention of reviewing it', 'We're Disney, what are you going to do about it?'

Well, I'm sorry but Eurostar is an AngloFranco set-up and it seems to manage to not charge. I cannot think of any other company that I have used (On principle I would never travel with certain low-cost Irish Air carriers) that charges for Debit Transactions.

Just because 'we have always done it this way' and 'its in the Ts & Cs' is no excuse. You can't say We're Disney, tough'. Eurodisney needs to move with the times. It's the adults that pay for the holidays, not the children and if the adults are left with a sour taste in the mouth, they are less likely to suggest a future trip for themselves or recommend it to others. When I was looking at booking, the initial cost was similar to flying to Florida instead. By the time living expenses had been added, it would have been better, the weather would have been better and I'm willing to bet that Customer Service would have been better.

Goodbye Eurodisney

Speaking of sour taste, €5 for a can of Fanta in the minibar? €8 for a Hot Dog and a few chips? I thought about buying a furry Disney coat but decided that I'd been fleeced enough.

Now, where was I?

"Blogging for Britain" was originally part of my BritishVisitor website. In the years since it was built I have taken a few twists and turns in my life and the website has stagnated somewhat. I stopped blogging as I could not keep up with everything.

I have decided to revive this Blog and get a few more posts up here. I have a separate Blog specific to my Drone Aerial Photography business, which you are more than welcome to visit. This Blog will be an eclectic gathering of stories directly affecting me, but that will also aim to entertain you.

Another reason for doing this is to hone my writing skills so should you spot any grammatical or spelling errors, do feel free to let me know. We are often blind to our own errors, reading what we want to read rather than what is actually written or spelt. Like a lot of people, I have a germ of an idea for a novel inside me. It may well stay there, but just in case I suddenly have a few months to kill, I'd like to try and write it using a decent standard of writing.

So, sit back and enjoy reading. I'd love to hear from you. All comments are pre-moderated before publishing purely to prevent spoiling by trolls and spammers. Those aside, I'll publish anything, positive or negative if relevant.

Andy.

You cannot be serious

Aah Guinness!! I was introduced to it at a very tender age and although I didn't like it at the time, a few years later I revisited it at an Irish Music Session and took back all I said about it. It's refreshing in the summer and reassuring in the winter.

Although born and bred in England, I do have a taste for things Irish. dancing at a Ceili with a Live band playing reels should be tried by everyone (or at least just standing and listening). Riverdance may be passé to some but the energy and precision that the dancers attain deserves a certain respect.

With this in mind, when it came to deciding upon a location for my Stag 'do', Dublin was proposed. After rejecting it, then subsequently rejecting Bath, Bristol, Snowdonia and others we eventually decided that despite Dublin being a 'Stag and Hen free zone' we would have a weekend there.

And a great weekend we had, too. It is emphatically not a Stag and Hen free zone. Although some Hotels did not take single-sex group bookings, it was not too much of a problem to find some that do and once we hit Temple Bar, other groups had obviously succeeded too. If you want a quiet drink, then don't go to Temple Bar. Don't go there if you want the barman to draw a shamrock on your Guinness. They are in the business of pulling pints, with them lined up on the bar, settling in anticipation of being bought - which they were by the gallon. Everywhere was packed and should you wish to eat, you need to book. Useful tip:- if you are in a group, break up into smaller groups - 3 or 4 to get into bars otherwise the bouncers will live up to their name.

We were only there for the weekend and wanted to soak up some of the culture as well, so a quick jaunt to the James Joyce Museum in a Martello Tower and a stroll over the ha'penny bridge as well as checking out Molly Malone (the Tart with the Cart) meant we could then attack the Guinness Brewery with a clear conscience. The Brewery at St James' Gate is a good way of spending an afternoon. You actually get to go around the Storehouse, not the Brewery. From Wikipedia:

Guinness Storehouse, "the home of Guinness", is Dublin's most popular tourist attraction. A converted brewing factory, it is effectively a shrine to Guinness, incorporating elements from the old brewing factory to explain the history of its production.

The exhibition takes place over 7 floors, in the shape of a 14 million pint glass of Guinness. The final floor is the Gravity Bar, which has an almost 360° panorama over the city, where visitors can claim a free pint of "the black stuff".

Hmmm. A tour and a free pint. Sounds good to me. The tour was good, detailing the manufacturing process as well as other items of note. The evolution of the various advertising campaigns over the years was on show from the 'Guinness is Good For you' to the Toucan adverts and beyond. Finally, we got to the Gravity bar and exchanged our tickets for a pint. We managed to grab a couple of tables (there were about 10 of us) and settled down to enjoy our pints. After a short while, glasses were empty, it was mid-afternoon and we had nowhere to be, so why not settle in? I went up to the Bar. "10 Pints of Guinness, please". "Can I have your ticket". "We've used our tickets, can I buy a round?" "Sorry Sir, I can't sell you a pint, we're not licenced". "What???" "We're not licenced to sell alcohol, hence why it's included in the ticket. You'll have to go and buy another ticket if you want another drink".

Stunned, I made my way back to the group and relayed the news. After a pregnant pause, one of my so-called friends then piped up "So, here we are in Dublin on a Stag weekend and we can't organise a piss up in a Brewery".

DIY catastrophes

About this time each year, some newspaper normally publishes a list of mishaps that have required admittance to a casualty unit in the UK. Everything from Christmas tree lights (don't water the tree with them switched on) to jumpers (don't try them on whilst smoking a cigarette).

This DIY peril, however will hurt you more in the wallet than anyone else.

On 22nd December, the Tour company, Travelscope collapsed, leaving many families stranded both home - on their way to a Christmas holiday, or abroad - returning from a pre-Christmas break. Up to 10,000 holidaymakers have been affected according to BBC News.

Whilst it is not the first one to collapse and undoubtedly will not be the last, its timing left a lot to be desired and the effects go beyond the 10,000. There is the staff, their families and the families of the holidaymakers to consider.

This all seems to make a good case for pulling together your own holiday package ('dynamic packaging'). However, the opposite is probably true. If you go to the Travelscope website and read the Administrator's letter, you can read the following (paraphrased) "For those travelling by Air, the company was bonded with ATOL - the Air Traveller Organisers' Licensing System. For those not travelling by air, it was bonded through ABTA (the Association of British Travel Agents). In both cases, full refunds seem to be available".

If you pull together your own package, you do not get this protection, you are reliant on your own travel insurance coming to the rescue. That is, assuming that you have appropriate (or, indeed, any) insurance. If you pull together your own package, it will be up to you to take the steps to obtain your money due. Again, from the Travelscope Administrator, "AITO and ABTA are endeavouring to send claim forms out within 7-10 days of an administrator being appointed". They know what to do - they have done this before; this is the raison d'etre of the Bonding system - to protect the traveller.


DIY Holidays are all the rage. We're not bothered if we spend whole evenings surfing the Internet putting together our ideal package and patting ourselves on the back when we end up with a tailored and cheaper alternative to the Travel Agent or Tour Operator.

This trend will only continue and will eventually see the demise of the High Street Travel Agent. It is good for Internet-savvy travellers, but do bear in mind the hidden benefits of using an Agent. If it goes pear-shaped, you have someone to contact to sort out the mess. Assuming that they are Bonded, then you should get a near-100% refund of the holiday cost should the worst happen. Imagine that you are lying on a beach on Lanzarote and happen to read in your overpriced paper that the airline that you travelled with has just shut shop. Where would you even start to sort out the mess? How are you going to arrange flights back?

If you want to DIY, then take out appropriate Insurance from the start - unexpected things can happen to force you to abandon or cut short the holiday. Annual policies are great value for money in this respect.

There is room for those wishing to DIY as well as leaving all the hassle to an Agent. It's very unlikely that a Company will go bust, but ticketing mistakes do happen and hotels that look like Sandy Bay in the Brochure turn out to be Fawlty Towers on closer inspection. I'm not trying to teach anyone to suck eggs, but a phenomenal number of travellers do not buy Insurance and many flights and rooms are booked through unbonded Agents ('bucket shops') or Direct with the Hotelier who may have shut shop the week before you arrive. Just make sure that you know who to call when it does go Pete Tong. Ghostbusters probably cannot help this time.

Trust me, I'm a Morris Dancer

Well, I was once.

Even in the Folk world, Morris Dancers are viewed as the ones at the shallow end of the gene pool. What male in his right mind would dance around with flowers in his hat, hitting others with a pig's bladder or waving hankies about? Female dancers have a certain grace about them and are, in the main, photogenic. Morris men? Well, they have as much grace as a hippo in a tutu.

This was my opinion for a long time. I used to be having a whale of a time dancing at Ceildhs with my 'dos si dos' and my 'boxing of the gnat' when suddenly the dancing would stop and a Crash of Morris Dancers would emerge, do their stuff and shuffle off again. A Good Time to fill up or empty was the general opinion from the dancers.

Anyhow, for a number of reasons, this happened to me at one particular Festival and I got chatting to the boss man (the 'Squire') whom I knew from a previous life and suddenly found myself a week later in a village hall in Hurst in Berkshire 'just to see what it was like'. A series of winter evenings later, a bit of help with the costume (the 'kit') from a sympathetic female (sewing not being one of my strong points) and I was let loose on the public the following spring. Believe it or not, it was good fun. The healthy aspect of 45 minutes cardiac exercise was somewhat mitigated by the obligatory tankard or two of something cloudy, but we toured the pubs, we got invited to festivals around the country, to an Army Barracks to entertain Officers in their mess (with the fine dining and drink that that brings) to Killeshandra for the Folk and Powerboat festival (interesting combination, but Guinness helped blur the confusion) and, after I left, the side even went to America following an invite.

One of our invites and, very memorable for me for not quite the right reasons, was Broadmoor. Broadmoor is a High Security Hospital in Crowthorne, Berkshire. Peter Sutcliffe, the so called 'Yorkshire Ripper' is arguably the most famous detainee. One of our team worked there and she arranged the visit for us where we would perform some dances for the residents.

We were given very specific instructions about behaviour, looking after the equipment, staying together so on and so forth and were looking forward to it.

Unfortunately, I had to be on business in Manchester that day, so kit packed in readiness for later and an early start had me up there working to get the job done. These things, however, take longer that expected and by departure time I was already late. A blat down the M6 from Manchester got me to Birmingham. No M6 Toll road then, so I crawled round Birmingham at rush hour. I finally clear and put my foot down along the M40, drop down to the M4, across to and through Bracknell and into Crowthorne, checking my scrap of a map and finally finding the signs to Broadmoor and hareing into the car park.

Out of the car, strip off (your need for preservation of dignity disappears as a Morris dancer, changing in all sorts of places) and a brisk walk across to the massive security room. Through the toughened glass window you can see enough keys to keep the most enthusiastic guard happy.

"Yes, sir. Can I help?" "I hope so, I'm with the Morris Dancers.." "So I see, Sir" "...and I'm supposed to be dancing with them". "Sorry Sir, I can't help, you need to be escorted across to where they are performing and there's no-one available, they are all watching the display and keeping an eye on the inmates". Whatever I said, he couldn't help and wouldn't budge.

So, there I am, banging on the door of Broadmoor Hospital, saying "Let me in, I'm a Morris Dancer". Now, if there was any justice...

Keeping music Live

In this day and age with bands 'creating' music by sampling previously recorded tracks and lip synching to their tracks on stage, it is good to know that there is a revival in performers that can actually sing and play.

Once upon a time...

There were no computers, there was no way to record music and it was passed on to subsequent generations by word of mouth. Musical annotation came along together with the ability to read and write and thus music was able to be preserved. Two Centuries ago, Thomas Edison came along and, starting with his efforts, we are now able to record music to be played back at our convenience.

The dark ages

From the 1960s to the 1980s, rock and pop music started to take off and a multitiude of bands were formed, from the behemoths such as Queen, the Who and the Beatles to, latterly, Artists and Bands churned out by Promotors such as Stock, Aitken and Waterman.

A lot of these bands were successful, feeding on the enthusiasm of teenagers and pre-teens to leap on the latest craze. However, the traditional Artists - Folk, Country, R&B and so on were sidelined somewhat.

These new singers did not necessarily need to be able to sing, nor play an instrument. Electronic wizardry to tweak the voice and lay down the backing tracks coupled with fancy videos meant that all they had to do was bounce around on the Top of the Pops stage, lip synching to the music. If anyone's seen the Simpsons episode where Bart gets a Recording Contract will know exactly what I mean.

The revolutions

One pop group (you know who you are) provided the catalyst for change when they admitted that none of them could sing and that their records were recorded by other musicians. Up until then, Top of the Pops had allowed artists to mime on stage. Now it was decreed that they should sing live.

The second revolution came with classical music becoming more accessible. Singers such as Lesley Garrett started the ball rolling, then Charlotte Church and more recently Katherine Jenkins were amongst those showing that you could make it popular for all ages. Nigel Kennedy and Vanessa Mae have brought instruments to the fore with their youth and exuberance as well as visual impact.

Thirdly, Fok music, once seen as only suitable for blokes with beer guts, a pipe, a pint of something cloudy and his finger stuck in his ear singing a dirge about some early century tragedy has had a facelift. Fresh young blood has taken and shaken the Folk world. Kate Rusby, Tickled Pink, Kathryn Roberts and the Poozies have all gone down a storm. In addition, events such as WOMAD have youth appeal whilst festivals such as Towersey, Sidmouth, Wallingford and Broadstairs all have great family appeal. Kate Rusby, Katie Melua and Norah Jones are bridging the gap between Folk and Popular music, whilst the likes of Robbie Williams are also showing how it can be done.

In their own way, the Internet, IPods and downloadable music are bringing the world of music to our PCs and our ears. Cheap flights are bringing world musicians to our doorstep and our events.

The future..

..is looking good for Live music, certainly from the listener's point of view as there is so much choice. It is harder for new musicians to make it big - they are up against well-polished PR machines as well as the growing mass of talent out there. Musicians need to get their music accessible and played as widely as possible - creating your own sampler website, or using a portal such as Higher Notes is a good start. Hopefully, however, talent will shine through and those that can sing or play will win over those that cannot.

Get out there this summer and take in a bit of Live music. There is a huge choice of events. Check out our calendar for an event near you. If you 've not been to a gig for a few years, you're in for a pleasant surprise!

Trick or ...err... trick

Hallowe'en, the night of Ghouls, witches and warlocks. A time for kids to dress up, go out and demand, if not money, then gifts with menaces.

Let's face it, that's what it is. "Give us your pocket money or we'll make you suffer". From eggs and flour to overturned dustbins and 'keyed' cars, one way of another they will make you wish you'd paid up.

Halloween (and other celebrations') origins can be found in the pagan festival of Samhain, celebrating the end of the Harvest. However, dressing up and going from door-to-door can be traced back to wassailing in the Middle Ages where the poor folk would beg for food on All Souls Day.

It took the Americans to combine the two into one event early on in the 20th Century. We can thank them for that, along with 'Have a Nice Day', 'The Dukes of Hazzard' and Jerry Springer.

When Children are small, it can be fun to dress them up. When Children are small, it can be fun to go carol singing. However, once they reach a certain age - say 8 or 9 - then the whole concept changes and householders can feel intimidated by a group at their door.

It is also my experience that the older ones come around earlier on the 31st October or come carol singing earlier and earlier in December in order to get the fresh pickings, leaving later groups to be told 'Oh, we've had the Trick or Treaters / Carol Singers around already - sorry.'


You can fight them at their own game. Closing the curtains, turning out the lights and not answering the doors is one option, as is going out. I've offered fresh fruit as the treat before now. That confuses them. The Addams Family had the right idea with a vat of boiling oil from the rooftop although of course, in the interest of health and safety and litigation, I am in no way recommending nor condoning it, just quoting it as an example. Cold water should have the same desired effect.

Responsible shops have posters up stating that they will not sell eggs or flour to anyone under 16 years old. Oh good. That should be just as effective as the smoking and alcohol notices then.


If you are concerned, contact your local Police Station or Neighbourhood Watch Coordinator as you should be able to get hold of a 'No Trick or Treat' poster to place by your front door.

Finally, I heard of one person who placed a notice on the door. "Dear Trick or Treater. My bell is not working, so please help you to a treat from the basket on the doorstep. First come, first served". He then placed an empty basket on the step, shut the door and settled back into his armchair.

Behind the scenes with Katie Melua

The Beeb are not running competitions at the moment. Thanks to Blue Peter, some kittens and a lack of respect for its paymasters' intelligence it got itself into hot water (not the kittens) for fixing competitions and currently all competitions are banned.

That notwithstanding, I (and a hundred or so others) won a competition recently. Radio 2's Ken Bruce features an 'Album of the week' and this week it is Katie Melua's latest offering - 'Pictures'. A bit of mutual back-scratching (I think Ken got the better deal, there) meant that she performed Live for the show at the BBC Radio Theatre. Competition entry involved filling out a form on t'interweb on his Home page, or sending a text via mobile 'phone. The skill element was completing my details correctly, which I managed with a bit of head scratching. A week later, I was contacted to say I had won and this morning, the alarm went off at 6.30 in preparation for the journey. I'll gloss over the journey except to say that there are charities out there caring for animals that have a better life than the intercity commuter.

BBC staff were efficient, if numerous at getting us into the building and our 'green room' and soon after 9 a.m. we were shepherded into the studio. Ken himself was the warm-up act, completely at ease despite being away from the comfort of his studio, facing a live audience and having a floor manager counting him in. After the banter between him and Terry Wogan he did the necessary introductions, played a couple of tracks and then introduced Katie, who proceeded to open with her latest single. Ken then hot-footed it back to his studio, but kept a beady eye on operations through a video link as well as chatting to Katie before and after each spot during the rest of the morning.

Although Katie only performed five numbers, she rehearsed each with her musicians and the BBC Symphony orchestra and chatted to the audience between.

There was a lot of waiting around as her spots were spread over the 2 1/2 hour show, but it provided a fascinating glimpse into the operations of a Live performance. I counted three sound desks - hers on-stage, one at the back of the auditorium and one in the glass Control room at the back. They may not all have been in use, but at least two were and if anyone can explain why more than one was needed I am all ears.

The BBC, for all its criticism, liquid lunches and overpaid chat-show hosts, does know how to patch a broadcast together from multiple locations; the Symphony orchestra was excellent at picking up a number with (presumably) no notice and making it sound good and Ken proved that you don't have to be a trendy young gift-of-the-gab DJ type to get an audience onside and produce a slick operation whilst giving out an air of casualness.

This was a free competition, but BBC TV and Radio recordings in general are free to go and see - all you need to do is apply for tickets for the show of your choice You'll be well looked after and get a glimpse of what goes on.

Oh and one final 'thank you' to Katie Melua who seems to be unaffected by new found stardom unlike certain other primadonnas of her generation and was more than happy to sign autographs and chat afterwards. I classify her as a folk rather than pop singer and this is a visible trait on the Folk Scene with very few pretensions around.

A day out of the office, some great music and afterwards a pleasant lunch at a Turkish restaurant a couple of doors down (recommended). Lovely jubbly. Shame about the trains.

Needled by the Needles

or 'The Isle of Right' pt II

Having heard of the coloured sands at Alum Bay and The Needles, we planned a trip there towards the end to the week. This proved to be the low point of the week for me - every other place we visited in the rain proved to be more pleasurable.

Having negotiated the South Coast Road, descending to Ventnor seafront by the Isle's equivalent of Lombard Street and then braved the South Coast Road * we had great expectations for a good time.

As soon as you enter the area, your heart sinks. It is just one mass commercial amusement park, designed to extract your money for the lowest cost they can get away with. The main area is a dreary amusement (ha!) park with tatty rides, bits not working and insufficient staff so that you have to hang around expectantly until a ride gets opened (This was mid-August, hardly a slack time). The souvenir shops are worthy of any street trader hanging around the tourist traps of London.

Alum Bay is still there although you are not officially supposed to collect sand from it 'due to the risk of landslides'. Instead you can purchase a tacky placky shape and fill it with Alum Bay sand from the trays scattered about the shop. Once you have fought your way around this you can join a queue to have it 'finished'. The 'finishing' staff, to give them their due were competent, no slouches and not fazed by answering the same inane questions day in, day out. Shame that there weren't enough.

We went down to Alum Bay, eschewing the rickety chairlift that looked recycled from one of the first ever ski resorts and instead descended the wooden steps down to the sea front. There was plenty to see. The Needles - at a distance, the bottom of the chairlift, 10 metres of coloured rockface with tourists scooping sand samples into plastic bags like detectives hunting for evidence of a long-lost idyll. Oh, and detritus - bottles - glass and plastic, bags, wood, bits of clothing, the odd shoe, all contributing to the 'je ne sais quois' of the area.


It's a shame. It's an historic site and if they can get it right at the Zoo or Dino World or, in fact, anywhere else on the island, then you ought to be able to expect a better standard at somewhere as full of history as Alum Bay.

From Wikipedia: "Guglielmo Marconi moved to Alum Bay in 1897 to experiment with radio. He set up a 40 meter radio antenna outside the Needles Hotel in Alum Bay. He was able to successfully transmit to the Haven Hotel in Poole 20 miles away." I wonder if that chairlift was causing interference then?

*The South Coast Road welcomes careful drivers.

Thank you. I'll have a 0.5682 Litre

On September 11th this year, the European Commission gave up waiting for us to renounce Imperial measures. According to the BBC website,

"The European Commission has tired of waiting for the UK to give up imperial measurements, and now says it can use some of them for as long it wants.

The pound and the ounce can continue to be used alongside the kilogram and gram, in markets and delicatessens, for an indefinite period.".

Hands up those who think that this is a Good Thing? One, two...three, fifty...Oh, most of you. Why?

OK, quick quiz.

Question 1. How many inches are there in a foot? Feet in a yard? Yards in a chain? Chains in a furlong? Furlongs in a mile?

Question 2. How many ounces in a pound? Pounds in a stone? Stones in a hundredweight? Hundredweight in a ton?

Question 3. How many fluid ounces in a pint? Pints in a quart? Quarts in a gallon?

Question 4. How many millimetres in a centimetre? Centimetres in a decimetre? Decimetres in a metre? Metres in a decametre? Decametres in a kilometre?

Question 5. How many grams in a kilogram? Kilograms in a tonne?

and finally...

Question 6. How many millilitres in a centilitre? Centilitres in a decilitre? Decilitres in a litre?

Answers:

Q1: 12,3,22,10,8
Q2: 16,14,8,20
Q3: 20,2,4

Q4: 10,10,10,10,100
Q5: 1000,1000
Q6: 10,10,10

Now, all those of you that are nostalgic for pints and inches, which of those tables do you think it would be easiest to learn from?

I am old enough to be brought up learning ounces, feet and tons, but young enough to also be conversant with grammes, metres and tonnes. Anyone younger will struggle with the former and anyone older will consign the latter to the same bin as the Video remote.

A system based on just one number - 10 has surely got to be better than one based on average lengths of thumbs or feet. Guess which unit comes from the Latin 'mille passus' - one thousand steps?

In the same way that if tobacco was to be discovered today, it would be classified as a Class A drug, no-one in their right minds would get away with inventing the Imperial system of measurement today. Everyone would run 1.609 kilometres.

An infinity of Last Nights

A quaint British tradition, The Henry Wood Promenade Concerts presented by the BBC - or 'The Proms' as it is generally known has come to an end for another year. They were started in 1875 by Henry Wood and, despite a sticky patch around WWII, have continued annually to this day, with about 70 concerts this season.

The 'Last Night' is the evening most people associate with the Proms, trotting out perennial favourites such as 'Jerusalem', 'Land of Hope and Glory' (Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1) and Wood's 'Fantasia on British Sea Songs'. Admission is very much oversubscribed and to get a ticket nowadays, you have to have attended some of the others during the season to stand any chance.

It is a testament to the Proms that it has evolved over the years. Classical music is not everyone's cup of tea and the Proms could have withered away to an inconsequential annual gathering of music anoraks or even died out totally. However, with the support of the BBC and the rise in popularity of Classical Superstars - Leslie Garrett, Vanessa Mae, Katherine Jenkins, Nigel Kennedy et al, Classical Music has become 'Cool'. To this end, in 1996, Hyde Park had a screen and stage and many thousands picnicked and watched and sang. This year there were five 'Proms In The Park', each with their own programme, but all coming together for the Finale. The parks were packed with people of all ages out to have a good time. It wasn't just classical music - each Park played on its Nationalistic origins - I particularly enjoyed the Irish music from the band Beoga - complemented by an Irish dancer at the end. Fireworks added the finishing touch.

One day I hope to make one of the Park Proms and, weather permitting, it will be a good way of soaking up some classical music. Anyone else up for it? As I've nearly said before - 'You've got to try everything once'

More info at Wikipedia and the BBC website

The Isle of Right

This year the family holiday was to the Isle of Wight. We had a day trip there a couple of years ago and thoroughly enjoyed it and as our kids are still young (3 & 6, neither with passports) it seemed a good choice.

Shame about the weather.

Sunday was nice, Monday was superb. Everyone knew the weather was due to break and were making the most of it. The beaches were busy. Blackgang Chine on the South Coast reported 3,500 people through the door. We went the next day.

I'm pretty certain that the staff outnumbered us that day. As it is on the clifftops, it is totally exposed to the elements. However, with the Isle of Wight being as far South as you can get, it was actually OK. The kids wore raincoats. I don't feel the cold so I had a jumper and an umbrella to keep me dry but overall we had a very good day. No queueing, rides for as long as we wanted without returning to the back of the queue and an empty restaurant.

Whether it was feeling like Royalty - opening the park especially for us - or the Dunkirk spirit kicking in I don't know, but it is possible to enjoy yourself in adverse weather in the UK and even benefit from the experience. If you are planning a trip and the bad weather kicks in at the last minute, my suggestion is to go for it. You'll enjoy it, you won't be harassed or jostled and you should feel good by the end of it. But then again, I'm an ex-Morris dancer so am used to 'the Show Must go On' whatever the weather.

Now, the Needles. Don't get me started. I'll tell you about that later...

Foot and mouth - mushroom management

Once again, Britain has an outbreak of Foot and Mouth disease although, as I write, the current thinking is that there may have been a leak from a vaccine manufacturer - BBC report.

In our garden we have a problem with toadstools. There is a clear path along the grass showing the route that the spores have taken. My efforts to remove them started off with half-heartedly picking them. This was to no avail as they just grew back. Secondly, I made a concerted effort one year to pick them as they popped their grey heads up. This resulted in a lot of toadstools in the bin but next year they were all back again.

Last year and this, I have bitten the bullet and each time some cropped up I dug them out, complete with the grass down to 3-4 inches and with a 2-3 inch exclusion zone around the patch.

Although this year they are still growing where I haven't dug and I am repeating the exercise, the areas where they were dug out, apart from the odd one have been totally toadstool free.
The areas are actually better off as I planted with new grass seed, which is thriving.


All this has parallels with the F&M outbreak. Last time around, there was a lot of mushroom management by the Government and a very belated approach. It culled wherever there was an outbreak, but failed to stop mini-outbreaks and it was only eventually that a mass slaughter was ordered to try and contain it. The result was the devastation of many farmers' livelihoods, and enduring images of cattle funeral pyres across the country.


This time around, it seems to have learnt and, like my toadstool problem, is starting with a ring of steel and moving in, rather than micromanagement of each pocket of cases, moving the ring out each time. I almost feel a twinge of sympathy for Gordon Brown. He's photographed on his patriotic holiday in the South West yet less than 5 hours later his holiday is over as he's off to London to chair COBRA - the committee set up to manage it.

Shows across the Country and cattle farmers have all been affected again, but let us all hope that the Government has learnt its lesson from last time. I do feel that the current Prime Minister will handle it somewhat better than his predecessor - someone who definitely subscribed to the Mushroom Management cookbook.

Community Responders - what are they?

Something I'll come back to again. A Community Responder is a volunteer managed by the Ambulance Service in his or her area. He or she will go to serious (life threatening) calls taken by Ambulance Control. "So what's the point of that? We have Ambulances. That's why we pay taxes" I hear you cry.

Well...Yes we do have Ambulances, but not one at every street corner. Where I live, for example (a good sized Town), there is one plus a Rapid Response vehicle. We're near the motorway and one accident there, or one serious incident in Town will leave us potentially uncovered - or at least covered by a vehicle several miles away. Our local Accident and Emergency hospital is not local - it's a 20-30 minute drive away at the best of time. If it gets backed up, the ambulances cannot unload, so are not free to respond.

Now, if you are having a Stroke or the start of a heart attack, you need treatment asap and one of the best treatments is Oxygen. If you are having a Cardiac Arrest (when your heart stops) you also need a defibrillator and you need it now. Realistically, if you have a Cardiac Arrest, you need defibrillating the sooner the better, but within 4-5 minutes to stand any chance of a decent recovery.

Enter the Community Responder. The Responder lives or works locally, will go mobile the same time as a crew and will try to legally (no flashing lights, no speeding, no privileges) get there before the crew and commence treatment. Minutes and seconds can mean life or death to a patient, or at least a better chance of a full recovery.


So what does this have to do with British Visitor? Well, whether you are a local or a Tourist, should you call 999 for an ambulance, it is possible that you get a Community Responder first. He or she will always be followed by an Ambulance and are fully trained in the use of Oxygen and a defibrillator. It's not a 'dumbing down' of the service, it is an add-on, a supplement to the normal course of treatment. In Tourist-centric areas they are kept very busy during the summer months.

If you want to know more, click on the link on the left. If you use the Contact form to contact the scheme, it will come through to me and I will endeavour to answer any questions that you may have.

This has been a Public Service Broadcast on behalf of the Responder Party.